He Told Me He Wasnt in Love With Hos Ex Then Went Back to Her Again

Why getting back with an ex is and so compelling

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Y'all broke up, for skilful reasons. So why do so many former couples reunite further down the line?

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Earlier this summer, 17 years after they separate, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got back together – and triggered an internet barrage of early 2000s nostalgia, glamorous celebrity intrigue and cultural analyses. They're a ability couple, and tabloids and Twitter users alike tin can't look abroad.

But perchance the virtually relatable reason regular people are so fascinated by what'southward otherwise a celebrity-gossip story is that exes found love again.

For many, navigating ex-partners is a reality of romance. That reality can exist negative – i filled with cautionary tales and former partners who tin't take a hint. Merely rebuilding a relationship can also be a tempting venture and even a goal for some people, particularly when the success stories sound like something out of a fairy tale. Plus, research suggests the amount of couples who intermission up and get back together is as loftier every bit fifty%.

The pandemic has even accelerated this procedure for some: amid a global health crisis and solitary, sexless lockdowns, many people found themselves reaching out to an ex, hoping to discover that onetime spark.

Experts say that, if both sometime partners are interested, pulling a 'Bennifer' of your own can yield positive benefits – if you lot're willing to put in a lot of piece of work, and have an open up listen.

What draws people to exes

One of the biggest upsides of re-entering a former human relationship is that yous by and large know what you're getting into. "At that place can be some existent advantages to really knowing a partner well earlier giving a long-term relationship a try once more," says Michael McNulty, a couples therapist in Chicago and trainer at the Gottman Establish, an system that studies relationships and offers counseling.

McNulty says every romantic human relationship has "perpetual differences". These are points of possible conflict, like navigating a shared living space, coin, sex, kids, friends, family and more than. Even happy couples take them, since a relationship is always fundamentally 2 different people with different personalities and worldviews.

Getting back together with an ex can pb to a fairy-tale happy catastrophe, but merely if both partners seriously revisit what went wrong before, experts say (Credit: Getty Images)

McNulty says, according to Gottman Institute research, these perpetual differences make upwards 69% of the bug most couples face in a relationship. Long-lasting, slow-burning bug are the real relationship poisonous substance – not big, explosive, single events or confrontations. "Most marriages or relationships end by ice instead of fire," says McNulty. Some couples "find it too hard to talk nearly or work on differences around key issues. They often grow more afar, and [go] more than like roommates than they are spouses or lovers."

That's why some people may want to get back together with an sometime partner, or to try and stick information technology out with their current one. Considering while nosotros ofttimes go into a new relationship expecting it'll exist better than the terminal, McNulty urges some caution: "If you lot're in a human relationship and you're thinking about leaving, be conscientious, considering y'all're basically trading 69% of perpetual differences with 1 partner with 69% of perpetual differences for another."

So if you become dorsum with an ex, you lot at least already know what those perpetual differences are going to be. Getting into the groove of the human relationship could feel like less hassle than meeting someone new and starting from scratch.

"You're picking up where you left off," says Judith Kuriansky, relationship and sex therapist, and adjunct professor of psychology and educational activity at Teachers College, Columbia Academy, in New York Urban center. For some people, it feels "better to go dorsum to someone that y'all kind of know something about, than someone you don't know anything about".

Celebrating what'south changed

Another benefit to getting back with an ex is awareness of what's changed in the fourth dimension you've spent autonomously. You may be disadvantaged when dating someone brand new, because you're not enlightened of how they might take grown and inverse in a positive way over time. With an ex, yous get more of a before-and-after snapshot. Kuriansky says one of the most common reasons for exes rebooting their romance is "feeling like they've grown and matured".

Violette de Ayala is the Miami-based CEO of a women'south networking organization called FemCity, who'southward spoken publicly about how she remarried her ex-married man of 20 years in 2019. "When we started to date once more, it was dainty because nosotros knew each other, just sure elements of us had inverse," she says. "We both worked on areas we needed to work on while apart, and we were in many ways 'new' to one another."

"The elements of ourselves that evolved made reconnecting a beautiful process while working through some of the pain from the break-up," adds de Ayala. "He no longer took our relationship for granted. He started to get me thoughtful gifts, and volition at present stop randomly and share his dearest for me and appreciation. That didn't exist the first time effectually."

Conversely, if y'all've spent a long fourth dimension away from someone, get dorsum together and find that yous fall into the aforementioned toxic patterns as earlier with that person, that knowledge tin can be advantageous, as well. Sensing that you lot're going to run into the same headaches all over over again could requite you the foresight to avoid the same disaster twice.

"Sometimes, with the wisdom of years and experiences in other relationships, people experience like, 'oh gosh, maybe I can work through that gridlock consequence we had'," says McNulty. Merely he stresses the key is "people need to know what their irreconcilable bug were before, and really take an honest look at whether or not everything's different now".

Rekindling an onetime romance is definitely not for everyone, relationship experts say, merely the familiarity that exists can lead to possible benefits (Credit: Getty Images)

'Apocalyptic dear and sex activity'

Earlier you start sliding into your ex's DMs, enquire yourself why you're doing it – because plenty can get wrong.

While ane of the joys of getting back with an ex is the comfort or familiarity, Kuriansky says that longing for comfort can be misplaced, specially lately as we seem to live among constant chaos. Terminal May, when lockdowns were rolling out, enquiry from Indiana University'south Kinsey Institute, which studies sexual practice and relationships, suggested that as many as 1 in 5 people were texting their exes while in isolation.

"I call information technology 'apocalyptic love and sexual activity'," she says. "Which is, 'in that location own't no tomorrow, so I amend settle'." Kuriansky has studied romance during periods of disaster and terrorism, and says it'due south common for people to reconnect with past lovers due to "the sense there could not be a tomorrow – at present with Afghanistan, natural disasters everywhere, [people feel like] they're living in a state of Armageddon", and then they want to become dorsum to a person who at one fourth dimension provided love and security.

Take a difficult look at why you're reaching out to an erstwhile flame. Is it because you're trying to quiet anxiety from scary news headlines past seeking comfort from an one-time flame, and not because yous really miss the relationship and are willing to go through the very real effort of making it work? If it's the latter, take that as a ruddy flag.

Kuriansky besides advises soliciting the feedback of friends and family before pursuing an ex. Many may react negatively, particularly if the relationship ended badly. But the purpose of this exercise isn't to invite judgment from loved ones; rather, they can bring you back down to World and remind you lot why the relationship was problematic.

"Be prepared for other people'due south opinions. Well-nigh people volition say, 'What? You lot're getting back together? Are you kidding? Why?' They're going to bring up all those memories, so how are y'all going to bargain with that?" says Kuriansky.

Be ready to confront those memories – not merely with yourself and with your loved ones, simply with your ex themselves, which can be the hardest part. "That is one piece that was rather challenging and we had to work through. Leaving the past in the past," says de Ayala. "There is and then much history that can be dragged up, but there has to be a mutual agreement that from here frontwards, forgiveness, communication and the feeling of [starting] anew" is what volition deport the relationship farther into the future, she says.

Many of united states may find ourselves longing for a lost love. If we go virtually it in a realistic, healthy way, it could, possibly, work out – if both people are on the same page.

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Source: https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210830-why-getting-back-with-an-ex-is-so-compelling

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